There's soo many things Locked inside myself tht i somehow feel i couldnt take it anymore.. cos.. there's no more space for anymore..
I wan to throw it all away.. simply tht.. bing the youngest in the family leaves me with no choice but to give in to their demands.. Especially after what had happen.. im blackmailed like shitt
But whyy me?? shud i feel lucky??Grateful?? or shud i feel deprived?? sometimes i Wish i could get away from it all.. but no matter wad.. they keep coming back..Continuously..No end..
I do feel that im distaning away from my family... cos i don feel tht family bond anymore.. was it me or them?? i dunnoe for now.. I used to be soo family Orientated when i was younger.. cos al my family does is Care for me and make sure i get The Best.. but now?? i feel like im a Used Son.. I just one to voice out my Feelings to them but i know they wont understand.. A Mother who doesnt care what im going thruu.. all she wants is for me to be Successful.. to her... my prblems are mine.. A Brother with soo much Arrogance and Ego and doesnt care about anything accept for my Studies.. cant simply know wad im experiencing.things like friends.RElationships.. to him its just small matters..even so..To me its HUGE .. so u see now?? i cant seem to connect to them in anyway.. Maybe not now..maybe not anyime soon.. Somtimes i like to be more with myself.. im the only person tht can fully understand myself.. besides the J&D of cos... but even soo.. i really wish i was tht small young boy who's always loved by his brother and Mother.. i don want fancy phones or nice food all i wan is LOVE.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The Strategy...
I figured something out.. all this time.. i've been whining about being fat.. and also said i wanted to lose Weight. All those years.. its about 2 yrs already but.. nothing yet..still nothin. So i've decided to some up with my very own " Fat2fFit" planner. well.. imma trying this out for 4weeks and see how things progress..
Week1
For the first week.. i will cut down most of my CHOs and not entirely of cos. and exercise on a regular basis.
Week2
After week1.. i shall continue to cut down my CHOs and exercise regularly..in addition.. cut down my Fat intake.. means i Must Not have FastFoods..fried foods and Tidbits..
Week3
After week 1 and 2.. by now.. i should be able to live without tht alot of CHOs and fats ..however.. may be a lil shaky.. so i shud increase my Proteins intake.. as they'll soon provide energy.. soo i might Live.. and of cos.. keep exercising on a regular basis.. but however.. i'll have to Increase my level of actitivy.. means more rounds on the track and more Sit ups and push ups reps...
Week4
Okok.. by now.. I will be able to tahan my hunger and maintain my food..cos i've already gone thru week 1 to 3... soo.. fingahhs Crossed!.. and of cos.. keep exeercising...increase intensity..
and of cos.. eat Healthily...
Week5
By this week... having a lil amount of CHO and Fat should not be a problem.. infact..i'll most prolly look slightly Different..keep exercising..thts it!
After this 5 weeks.. i'll continue doing it... untill i've reached my Desired Weight... **Kg
Wahhh! means tt i wont be able to eat fastfoods .. and Popeye's Chicken... sigh.. but oh well.. it for my own good..after 5 weeks.. i'll begin to pamper myself once every 1 week. like a treat for Imyself for doing well for the week.. yeah.. i shud do tht..with Eikel by myside during jogging.. im sure i'll do fine.. :))
I figured something out.. all this time.. i've been whining about being fat.. and also said i wanted to lose Weight. All those years.. its about 2 yrs already but.. nothing yet..still nothin. So i've decided to some up with my very own " Fat2fFit" planner. well.. imma trying this out for 4weeks and see how things progress..
Week1
For the first week.. i will cut down most of my CHOs and not entirely of cos. and exercise on a regular basis.
Week2
After week1.. i shall continue to cut down my CHOs and exercise regularly..in addition.. cut down my Fat intake.. means i Must Not have FastFoods..fried foods and Tidbits..
Week3
After week 1 and 2.. by now.. i should be able to live without tht alot of CHOs and fats ..however.. may be a lil shaky.. so i shud increase my Proteins intake.. as they'll soon provide energy.. soo i might Live.. and of cos.. keep exercising on a regular basis.. but however.. i'll have to Increase my level of actitivy.. means more rounds on the track and more Sit ups and push ups reps...
Week4
Okok.. by now.. I will be able to tahan my hunger and maintain my food..cos i've already gone thru week 1 to 3... soo.. fingahhs Crossed!.. and of cos.. keep exeercising...increase intensity..
and of cos.. eat Healthily...
Week5
By this week... having a lil amount of CHO and Fat should not be a problem.. infact..i'll most prolly look slightly Different..keep exercising..thts it!
After this 5 weeks.. i'll continue doing it... untill i've reached my Desired Weight... **Kg
Wahhh! means tt i wont be able to eat fastfoods .. and Popeye's Chicken... sigh.. but oh well.. it for my own good..after 5 weeks.. i'll begin to pamper myself once every 1 week. like a treat for Imyself for doing well for the week.. yeah.. i shud do tht..with Eikel by myside during jogging.. im sure i'll do fine.. :))
I really hope i could pull this off without any
Dramas tht will affect This plan
I must take this one step at a time..
Dramas tht will affect This plan
I must take this one step at a time..
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Double Personality...
Wouldnt it be great if u have someone watching out for u?? Your veryy own Alter Ego. A split image of yourself but with a different personality.
well.. for me.. i guess im a kind friendly cheerful person. but if i were to have an Alter Ego, he would be strong-determined-harsh-str8 forward person.
I personally feel that to have an alter ego like tht would definitely make u a better person. u'll always have "it" to look after you whenever ur bullied.. treated unfairly or even on the verge of GIVIN'UP. "it" alwayss give you the confidence boost...stand up for you.. and protect your dignity.. now.. wouldnt that be great??
basically.. i wish i was rough...determined and harsh..tht's bcos i feel tht i let people treat me differently and not in a good way.. furthermore.. i let it sink-in and not doing something about it.
.. people say that you have to stand up for yourself.. but it difficult if you knw wad the outcome will be if u actually did it. you simply want to avoid it as much as possible right??
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I need Motivation...Inspiration
What else can an Obese person ask for?? than to slim down??. I personally feel that it's every Obese people's dream to achieve a well structured body in their entire life. I would want to have that kind of dream as well.But im not motivated in anyway, even if i am. it'll only have effect for a moment or so... 2 days or more. but it wont be a long term deal. So how?? will i ever make it??
okkay.. the truth is.. im IMPATIENT! There! I've Said it!... i noe that to get wad u want..u have to be patient.. but im simply NOT!..so wad now?? im the the total opposite.I'm laggin on so manny things.. don't u feel sad when u go shopping with ur bestest buddies and they're able to get their clothes vert simply.and along the way u guys are having a goood time together.. while u're there just watching.. cos u noe that the things u want.. can NEVER FIT UR SIZE..and u really wanted it soo verry much cos u want to look just as pretty/handsome as everybody else. It's such a pain to go thru this situation.
Like wad herdy said.." God made walls for us to climb over and look at the greener grass.." No doubt that i keept her advise in Mind.. But my Ego gets in the way EVERY FUcking moment..
I want IT. SO BADLY. EagerLy! im yearning for it for all my life... But when Mus?? when??
What else can an Obese person ask for?? than to slim down??. I personally feel that it's every Obese people's dream to achieve a well structured body in their entire life. I would want to have that kind of dream as well.But im not motivated in anyway, even if i am. it'll only have effect for a moment or so... 2 days or more. but it wont be a long term deal. So how?? will i ever make it??
okkay.. the truth is.. im IMPATIENT! There! I've Said it!... i noe that to get wad u want..u have to be patient.. but im simply NOT!..so wad now?? im the the total opposite.I'm laggin on so manny things.. don't u feel sad when u go shopping with ur bestest buddies and they're able to get their clothes vert simply.and along the way u guys are having a goood time together.. while u're there just watching.. cos u noe that the things u want.. can NEVER FIT UR SIZE..and u really wanted it soo verry much cos u want to look just as pretty/handsome as everybody else. It's such a pain to go thru this situation.
Like wad herdy said.." God made walls for us to climb over and look at the greener grass.." No doubt that i keept her advise in Mind.. But my Ego gets in the way EVERY FUcking moment..
I want IT. SO BADLY. EagerLy! im yearning for it for all my life... But when Mus?? when??
perhaps..knowing that this would happen
Giving It Up could be the best thing to do
I wont get annoyed or irritated..or heart broken..
how?whad?when?
Giving It Up could be the best thing to do
I wont get annoyed or irritated..or heart broken..
how?whad?when?
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Progresss... So much love
it's been 2 days and the progress of the Promise is not looking good.Well.. i should be prepared for the worst.
However, there have been soo muchh love around bcos of the Promise. I've seen soo muchh love and i somehow cant bare to see those love to fade away and came in vain. I cant bare to have to be in such a position. Ouh... like wad my herdy said " god made walls for us to climb over".. it somehow made sense. i personally think, this wall. the wall tht's meant for us.. is how we climb it..
slow and steady??i lose stamina and fall, Quick and hurrily?? i might not like wad i'll see over the other side..
I'll keep my promise ... i'll do it... i've made a commitment to J&D tht i will... and i cant bare to dissappoint them..i just cant.. all this while.. they've been the pillar for my happiness..Joy..
The friendship tht we have is SOOO Genuine tht its not meant to be wasted just like that..wad made them deserve suchh judgement. Well.. a promise is a promise.. i have no choice but to keep doing it till the end of it..
it's been 2 days and the progress of the Promise is not looking good.Well.. i should be prepared for the worst.
However, there have been soo muchh love around bcos of the Promise. I've seen soo muchh love and i somehow cant bare to see those love to fade away and came in vain. I cant bare to have to be in such a position. Ouh... like wad my herdy said " god made walls for us to climb over".. it somehow made sense. i personally think, this wall. the wall tht's meant for us.. is how we climb it..
slow and steady??i lose stamina and fall, Quick and hurrily?? i might not like wad i'll see over the other side..
I'll keep my promise ... i'll do it... i've made a commitment to J&D tht i will... and i cant bare to dissappoint them..i just cant.. all this while.. they've been the pillar for my happiness..Joy..
The friendship tht we have is SOOO Genuine tht its not meant to be wasted just like that..wad made them deserve suchh judgement. Well.. a promise is a promise.. i have no choice but to keep doing it till the end of it..
Love is such a strong FORCE that
Brings people closer together
The love that we have makes us
stronger to fight and protect
the one's who we called Loved Ones.
Brings people closer together
The love that we have makes us
stronger to fight and protect
the one's who we called Loved Ones.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
A Promise...
Everybody knows that Promises are veryy DIFFICULT to keep.. especially if its a tough one..
So. Here i amm.. making a promise that im not sure whther i'll be able to keep it. It might cause me my frens and everything.. This is to show wther im SERIOUS or not.. However, im not going to post those promises here in my blog.. cause i don want my good& close frens to know wad im doin..
And especially the J&Ds.. they're too good to know about this.. and i know im better off this wayy..
Consequences:
This promise has a consequece.. well.. if i don manage to keep this promise.. i shall NO LONGER BE A J&D and NO LONGER DANCE.. there! i"ve said it.. see how serious this promise is??
AS of today, The promise begins.. this first step shall last for at least 1 week.. 1 week. tht's it. This first step to me is a sign of wther i care for everything tht i have and got or not. tht is why i put my Dear J&Ds and DANCE passion on the line. if i fail.. it means im not gratefull and i don care about them. It About time i do SOMETHING RIGHT THIS TIME.
* Dear J&Ds- if i fail this promise, i have no choice but to leave the J&D behind and all. After 1 week, if i nvr ans ur calls and nvr reply ur msgs.. u'll know wad it means. after i leave.. im sure u'll be better off and have another J&D member to have my place in the picture. i guess there will be no conference for at least 1 week. We'll have to see how things go. i cant tell u guys wads happenin..its too hard to explain especially infrnt of u guys.
Everybody knows that Promises are veryy DIFFICULT to keep.. especially if its a tough one..
So. Here i amm.. making a promise that im not sure whther i'll be able to keep it. It might cause me my frens and everything.. This is to show wther im SERIOUS or not.. However, im not going to post those promises here in my blog.. cause i don want my good& close frens to know wad im doin..
And especially the J&Ds.. they're too good to know about this.. and i know im better off this wayy..
Consequences:
This promise has a consequece.. well.. if i don manage to keep this promise.. i shall NO LONGER BE A J&D and NO LONGER DANCE.. there! i"ve said it.. see how serious this promise is??
AS of today, The promise begins.. this first step shall last for at least 1 week.. 1 week. tht's it. This first step to me is a sign of wther i care for everything tht i have and got or not. tht is why i put my Dear J&Ds and DANCE passion on the line. if i fail.. it means im not gratefull and i don care about them. It About time i do SOMETHING RIGHT THIS TIME.
* Dear J&Ds- if i fail this promise, i have no choice but to leave the J&D behind and all. After 1 week, if i nvr ans ur calls and nvr reply ur msgs.. u'll know wad it means. after i leave.. im sure u'll be better off and have another J&D member to have my place in the picture. i guess there will be no conference for at least 1 week. We'll have to see how things go. i cant tell u guys wads happenin..its too hard to explain especially infrnt of u guys.
It's about time i do something.
A promise is a promise.
A promise is a promise.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
INTRUDING...COMPARING
How does it feel like when ur being compared with another fren of urs?? and not in a good wayy??..well i would feel angry.. madd.. useless.. not respected.. and not accepted for who i am..Let's call this person who compares me.. Mr. Family. and the person he's comparing me to .. Mr.Perfect.
Mr.Family comparess me SOOO MUCCCHH with Mr. Perfect.. and bcoss mr.perfect soo happens to be my BEST FRIEND. and mr.family criticised mee and compared me soo mucchhh to the extent tht i'm beginning to bring my standards UP higher than mr. Perfect... but mr. perfect is always 10 times beter...tht i myself has strt comaring..and yett.. the results are not as pleasant.. this has soon lead me to HATE/ Dispise Mr.perfect.
Maybe mr.family has a motive to compare me in SUCH A WAY..does he knwo tht mr.perfect was nvr a TRUE FRIEND?? or something else.. and maybe the ANS is YES or maybe NO. but on the other hand. Mr.family knows me too well and i noe him too well tht he wont do anything to me if its not for my OWN GOOD. i've always gone to mr.family for advise and accept his advise.. so why must i pick NOW not to LISTEN to him???? Am i the Problem?? or He is??
So. wad should i do?? CHANGE myself?? or simply let mr.perfect fade away from my memory?? and pretend we nvr knew each other since the verryyy Beginning...
How does it feel like when ur being compared with another fren of urs?? and not in a good wayy??..well i would feel angry.. madd.. useless.. not respected.. and not accepted for who i am..Let's call this person who compares me.. Mr. Family. and the person he's comparing me to .. Mr.Perfect.
Mr.Family comparess me SOOO MUCCCHH with Mr. Perfect.. and bcoss mr.perfect soo happens to be my BEST FRIEND. and mr.family criticised mee and compared me soo mucchhh to the extent tht i'm beginning to bring my standards UP higher than mr. Perfect... but mr. perfect is always 10 times beter...tht i myself has strt comaring..and yett.. the results are not as pleasant.. this has soon lead me to HATE/ Dispise Mr.perfect.
Maybe mr.family has a motive to compare me in SUCH A WAY..does he knwo tht mr.perfect was nvr a TRUE FRIEND?? or something else.. and maybe the ANS is YES or maybe NO. but on the other hand. Mr.family knows me too well and i noe him too well tht he wont do anything to me if its not for my OWN GOOD. i've always gone to mr.family for advise and accept his advise.. so why must i pick NOW not to LISTEN to him???? Am i the Problem?? or He is??
So. wad should i do?? CHANGE myself?? or simply let mr.perfect fade away from my memory?? and pretend we nvr knew each other since the verryyy Beginning...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Guilty Pleasures....
latelyy... i've been having soo muchhh fun... but i feel GUILTY about it.. which turns out to be not much of fun..
it seems that my problems just get worst and worst by the day... i hve exactly NO ONE to turn to.. and i dunno who to turn to infact.. I have frenss tht i can rely on.. but.. i don really think they should noe about this.. REALLY! wadeva it is.. i have simply nnobody.. Not even my family.. arghhhh!i no i have to do this on my own.. but for how lonngg????
I really hope tht my day will be bettter soon... cos depreession STINKS.. the only dayy tht i can have "a break" is the day i go for my Dance classes. I simply love it. and the people there.
i could still remember the FIRST day i started dancing.. man.. i really didnt noe wad the fcuk was doing la..felt veryyy inferior amongst those VERYY good people.. it took me 2 years to realise how much i love doing it..ahhhh!..
Such passion/talent wont present itself if u don search for it, its waiting for u somewhere ou there to be found..
latelyy... i've been having soo muchhh fun... but i feel GUILTY about it.. which turns out to be not much of fun..
it seems that my problems just get worst and worst by the day... i hve exactly NO ONE to turn to.. and i dunno who to turn to infact.. I have frenss tht i can rely on.. but.. i don really think they should noe about this.. REALLY! wadeva it is.. i have simply nnobody.. Not even my family.. arghhhh!i no i have to do this on my own.. but for how lonngg????
I really hope tht my day will be bettter soon... cos depreession STINKS.. the only dayy tht i can have "a break" is the day i go for my Dance classes. I simply love it. and the people there.
i could still remember the FIRST day i started dancing.. man.. i really didnt noe wad the fcuk was doing la..felt veryyy inferior amongst those VERYY good people.. it took me 2 years to realise how much i love doing it..ahhhh!..
Such passion/talent wont present itself if u don search for it, its waiting for u somewhere ou there to be found..
Sunday, October 12, 2008
The Ones...
I went out with my loveliess on 10th October 2008 mostly because we're celebrating Rosie's 17th bdae .. hahhahha! she'a all grown up now!
soo to break it down.. we went for lunch and shopping after tht.. and herdy came as a surprise!! hahaha!! how greatt!..
after tht we went starbucks at one fullerton.. and spent ourr afternoon over mocha and frappes and a nice old UNO card games!! yahhh! ahhhaha... alot of fun!
unfortunately.. rose had a curfew and our hearts sinks to the deepest to see her ride the train alone... but no worries!! she's well protected by " the almighty".. hahaha!
soo after she left it was down to the 3 of us.. and we continued shopping untill our feet sore and bleed.. hahha! but it was fun and RUSH-HOUR like.. hahhaa!!
** My heart sinks to the deepest when i see my friends facing problems tht shouldnt be theirs in anyway...especially the J&D's and my close friends... i'll try my absolute best to help them..**
* sorry..this is not a proper post.. cos im not in the right mood... im having issues lately and im frustrated about it.. and i can only face this thinggyy Myself.. PUBERTY STINKS..
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Im Wondering........
Am I good looking...or attractive...or ugly???
im just wondering.. wad u think????
im just wondering.. wad u think????
Sunday, October 05, 2008
RAYA-RAYA...Tak Terdaya
well... to think of it... i finally realised that hari raya isnt the same like the previous years like what the TV said " Tahun in akan menjadi lebih MERIYAH"... but i honestly didnt think soo...
the only group of people tht im close to are my younger cousins.. the older ones are more of my brother's clique.. soo.. kinda bored.. the least interesting part was receiving Packet money..but it was abit embarassing cos im OLD already.. hahahhaha!!!
well.. its either bcos my mind is still in the EXAM situation or bcos im in a NEW neighbourhood orr wadeva.. but one things for sure.. This year certainly have changed me. :))
well... to think of it... i finally realised that hari raya isnt the same like the previous years like what the TV said " Tahun in akan menjadi lebih MERIYAH"... but i honestly didnt think soo...
the only group of people tht im close to are my younger cousins.. the older ones are more of my brother's clique.. soo.. kinda bored.. the least interesting part was receiving Packet money..but it was abit embarassing cos im OLD already.. hahahhaha!!!
well.. its either bcos my mind is still in the EXAM situation or bcos im in a NEW neighbourhood orr wadeva.. but one things for sure.. This year certainly have changed me. :))
